


Dear Captain Janeway

by starbender



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s07e12 Flesh and Blood, Gen, Thirty Days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-06-10 06:31:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6943642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbender/pseuds/starbender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom wrote more than one letter when he was confined to the Brig during Thirty Days but Janeway doesn't find out about it until years later.   Added moments to Flesh and Blood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“I am going to confiscate his emitter and restrict him to sick bay. Maybe disable his audio subroutines.” Captain Janeway let the padd slip from her hands and fall to her desk. “Or I could put Tom in charge of sick bay.” She stared at the other two occupants of her ready room. “I am not joking.”

The ship was safe. The bizarre incident with the sentient holographic Hirogen prey was over. Tuvok stood ramrod straight as always but Chakotay kept shuffling his feet. Right now he refused to make eye contact with her. 

“He clearly disobeyed orders. He nearly cost us our Chief Engineer...and we came close to having an all-out war with the Hirogen. I have to do something. He can’t be allowed to just go off on his own like that!” she said.

“He thought he was protecting the Holograms,” Chakotay said. He finally looked up from the floor to her eyes. “He had no way of knowing that one of them would evolve into a cult leader. He had the best of intentions when he set off.”

“I understand that. I sympathized with that. I even told him so but in doing what he did he put the lives of the crew at risk. I simply cannot overlook it. There must be ways to punish a hologram. I can’t just confine him to the brig. I could confine him to a holodeck scenario he would find unpleasant where he can’t deactivate himself. For a month.”

Tuvok and Chakotay locked eyes for a moment. Chakotay immediately looked away.

“Might I remind the Captain that long-term confinement is not part of Federation Policy,” said Tuvok.

“Just like you did last time?" She gave him a long cold stare. " These are extraordinary circumstances.”

“Aren't they always?” Chakotay asked. His words were harsh but his tone was gentle. “I know that before you had to satisfy the Moneans but you told me you were never going to resort to that again.”

“This isn’t the same thing. Tom was reckless but at least he didn’t endanger the ship or put our lives at risk”

“I agree you should exact some sort of punishment because he did disobey orders but there was a reason he did what he did. There is no cause to be overly harsh.”

The Captain sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. Her face was resolute. Tuvok and Chakotay shared another long glance and this time Chakotay nodded.

“Computer, access file Tuvok Zeta. Open sub file, Dear Captain Janeway,” Tuvok said.

The screen on her monitor flickered. A short series of texts appeared on her screen.

“What is this? “She asked.

“As you know as Security Officer I monitor all ingoing and outgoing messages. This was in a packet of messages recorded by Lieutenant Paris when he was confined to the brig for thirty days two years ago. The bulk of it was an intended transmission for his father with one exception. This one I brought to the attention of Commander Chakotay,” Tuvok replied.

“You read his...diary?” She uncrossed her arms and straightened her posture.

“Only this one entry which was addressed to you and to be honest I was uncomfortable about it. It was like the time I went digging around in B’Elanna’s personal holodeck logs but there was a reason I did what I did. We didn't know what kind of effect thirty days in solitary would have on Tom,” Chakotay said. "If he were in an unstable mental or emotional state we needed to know. He is a popular member of the crew. Your...punishment of him angered a lot of his friends. He could easily have spread discontent on Voyager."

“You thought Tom might have been sending me hate mail or perhaps had ideas of acting as some kind of subversive?” Janeway asked. “Tom Paris?” The skepticism was heavy in her voice.

“In a manner of speaking, yes,” Tuvok said. “It was highly unlikely but we know his attitude shifted when he was discharged from Starfleet and joined the Maquis. I thought Commander Chakotay should be apprised in case he showed signs of turning into a malcontent.”

“A real one this time.” Chakotay let a faint smile pass his lips as he reminded them of an old memory. “I’ve seen the angry brash Tom Paris up close, remember?” Chakotay said. “I've seen him at his lowest point and the last thing I wanted was to see him end up there again. He could have easily turned into a very angry man. We felt we had a need to know his frame of mind. That's why we read it.”

“Well, did he make threats? Tell tales out of school to Starfleet? Plan a mutiny?”

“No, he did not. His readjustment to life on Voyager was swift. We were relieved to conclude that our fears were unfounded. He did, however, write something very interesting,” Chakotay said.

“And so you kept it. Who else knows about this?”

“Only myself and Commander Chakotay. Mr. Paris too of course but I suspect he has forgotten all about it. He probably fully intended to delete this but failed to do so.” Tuvok said.

“Why did you keep it?”

“We kept it to use in case a similar situation occurred,” Chakotay said.

“A situation where you think I’m being overly harsh I presume?” She asked.

“Yes. Read it. I’m sure Tom won’t mind. It was addressed to you after all. If you still want to proceed with your punishment you are of course free to do so and we will carry out your orders,” Chakotay said.

“The text is not written in any organized manner. The entries are not dated. It appears to be simple streams of consciousness entries but I agree with Commander Chakotay. It would be well worth your taking the time to read.” said Tuvok.

“Why do I feel like I have no choice in the matter?” She asked. She looked back and forth from one man to the other. Chakotay straightened his posture and now he was also standing ramrod straight alongside Tuvok. Her demeanor began to soften. “But then I do trust your judgment and I know you two would not resort to...this unless you thought it important. I will read it. Dismissed.”

Her two Senior Officers left her alone with the wall of texts on her computer screen.


	2. Chapter 2

-So Captain, a question. Solitary Confinement? Really? Considered a cruel and unusual punishment in the Federation whose standards you have sworn to uphold but not here on the Starship Voyager. I know, it was one of the conditions that Moneans would accept. I wonder if you would have gone along with it if they had insisted on ritual suicide?

_Tom, you had no idea how angry they were. They did want more. In their eyes, you got off easy.  They wanted me to hand you over to them. I had no idea what they had planned for you._

-The demotion doesn’t mean that much to me so I don’t know why you bothered. B’Elanna and Harry will have fun with it but apart from that...it’s not that big of a deal. To you, a demotion would probably be the ultimate dishonor. I’ve already experienced the ultimate dishonor and this isn't it. 

_I remember you didn't even flinch when I tore your pips off. It did make me angry. My giving you the conn and a field commission  was no small thing. I thought about it long and hard and decided it was the right decision. I  took a risk, showed good faith in you and up til that moment, that one moment, you did nothing to make me question my faith in you.  Why?_

-Funny the things you remember when you are alone. Like the time Chakotay took that shuttlecraft and went after the Kazon. Did you threaten to shoot him down? Did he get brig time? I’m sure you had a good reason not to, I’d just like to know what it was. We were still in the early days of our journey, were you afraid if you put him in the brig the Maquis might stage a mutiny? It was a real possibility. In some ways, you were a different person back then.

_That was so long ago. A different time. I was more concerned with survival, stabilizing the ship, getting my act together. Yes, there was the possibility of a mutiny. I wasn't interested in punishment. I just wanted him back because...we needed him. Chakotay reminded me of this when I told him your punishment. I refused to listen because I had convinced myself it wasn't the same._

-Would you really have shot me down? You, the one who kept going on and on about how we are  FAMILY. Would you have shot a member of your FAMILY? How the hell were you going to explain that to my dad if we ever contact earth again? Did you ever think about that? "I'm sorry Admiral Paris, my mentor, and friend...I had to kill your son...but I  didn't even throw B'Elanna or Tuvok in jail for disobeying orders and endangering the ship. Oh by the way...I let a murderer stay confined to his quarters but your son...I had to shoot down."

_Why on earth did Chakotay and Tuvok want me to read this? They both forced me to think about this after you were returned to the ship. They tried to twist the knife a little deeper. Do you think I didn't think about that after it was all over? It crossed my mind after we first made contact when I sent the mission logs to the Pathfinder Project. If you weren't there when I heard Owen's voice....what would I have said? Yes, I would have at the time and yes...it would have been wrong. Thank God Tuvok disobeyed orders and targeted the beam instead of the Flyer._

So why bring the hammer down now, Captain?

 _I don't know. I was angry with them. I was angrier with you than I was with them...and I don't know why. I still don't know why._  

\- Damn I miss B’Elanna. I think about her all the time. I miss Harry. I wonder how they would have gotten along without me.  They both know I would probably do it all over again. It was the right thing to do and worth the sacrifice and they understood. I know B’Elanna does. She knows what it’s like to give it up for a cause and she’s proud of me. I'm not just a flyboy to her anymore.

 _They refused to talk to me for that entire month except to acknowledge orders. If I came in the mess hall they would get up and leave. They never looked at me during briefings. They still did their jobs but there was a distinct chill in the air. I found out later they went to Chakotay and ranted about what I had done. B'Elanna mentioned every time anyone had disobeyed orders. Harry brought up Suder_. _Chakotay_   _supported me even though he disagreed.  He was afraid, afraid of a wave of discontent going through the crew. Tuvok and his security team kept their eyes and ears opened. People talked. People were angry. A spark could have been lit at any time. You had no idea of this at the time. You thought you were alone in the brig but in truth you were surrounded  by supporters and I was the one who was truly alone._

\- I miss everybody, even the people I rarely see. I'm even starting to miss Tuvok. All of them, except you Captain. Try as I might I can’t seem to see this from your point of view.  I want to see beyond that anger...I want answers but you are my commanding officer and under no obligation to explain anything to me. All I can do is try to figure out things for myself...and to be honest there's much else here for me to do except this...and to try to explain things to my dad. In some ways talking to my dad is easier. Him I understand. I thought I understood you....I thought I knew you but after all this time together I am finding I don't know you at all. 

 _I thought I knew_ you _, Tom. I don't know why I expected more of you, I just did but you are right. I was harsher on you than I was with the others. Something about that whole incident set off something in my mind that the others did not._  

-Silence. I have nothing to do but think.  Think about you and your motivations. When we first came here...when you sacrificed everything to save the Ocampa would you have obeyed orders if my dad was there telling you to stand down? Or would you have insisted on destroying the array in order to protect a defenseless people?

_I don't know. I'm a good Starfleet Officer. I obey orders but after having gotten to know them, they were a gentle innocent people. To leave them at the mercy of the Kazon...I don't know._

-I wonder...Did what I tried to do remind you of what you did to the Caretaker’s array? It was different from what Tuvok, B'Elanna, and Chakotay did. You and me, we weren't trying to save the ship or get home or settle old scores...We were trying to save people. Innocent people who were at the mercy of events outside of their control. We took control...made hard decisions that cost us.   Did you feel that you had no other choice at the time? 

_Damn you for making me think about that again. I didn't think about it at the time. All I could see was you, there, defiant...disobeying orders because...because you knew. You knew what would happen when it was all over. The fate of a world set on destroying itself was more important than your personal convenience. Very brave of you, Tom. In some ways maybe braver than I am.  What else are you going to unleash on me?  Yes, maybe somewhere deep down it was a reminder of my own actions._

-I know things came to a head when we were traveling through that sector we called the void. When the stars went dark. There was nothing to distract you. There were things on your mind. We whispered it among ourselves during quiet moments.  Could you have set a torpedo on the array with a time delayed response allowing it to blow up after we had gone home? Should you have just taken us all back home without a backward glance and let the Delta Quadrant take care of itself? Captain Kirk would have found a way to save the Ocampa and get home. Why couldn’t you? The Kazon were all around and they were bringing in reinforcements. It was the heat of battle and your first command. But then you did what you did and you not only have to live with yourself but you have to live with us, the people you stranded here. It can't be easy being you shouldering that all by yourself. At least the only person suffering for what I did is me. 

_I have asked myself every one of these questions. Over and over._

-I see that ocean planet in my dreams. I  have nightmares about its collapse. All those people…Do the Ocampa have haunt you?  Do you have dreams of the Kazon overrunning them...?

_Damn you. How could you possibly know that? I never even told Chakotay._

-You had no one to answer to. No hearing, no disciplinary board, no higher ups giving you reassurances that this was the only thing you could have done given the circumstances or that you were completely and totally wrong. You’ve had to rely on yourself and the whispers in your head. Do they come to you in the night the same way they do to me? Do you dream about it? If I had just been paying closer attention at Caldik Prime...if I hadn’t lied. My motivation was simple. I was tired of not measuring up. Of falling short. I can tell you exactly why I lied.  Emotional exhaustion. You know what that feels like, don’t you Captain? All during this journey it's there. You never would let down your guard but I know. I recognize it. Chakotay and Tuvok know. You  should listen to them Captain, when they tell you to slow down, to take a break. When they advise you not to be so rash. They’re just looking out for you and the crew. Maybe if you had listened before it wouldn’t have come to this. ..but there’s no way of knowing that now is there?

 _They are always there. Always and I rarely listen to them because I can't. I have to stay strong, to show confidence. I have to stand by my_ decisions _._   _If I don't we might lose sight of our mission but you are right. Day after day, the fate of this crew in my hands.  It's me and no one else. I'm responsible. No one higher to go to for support, or reprimand._ _No one to tell me I was right or wrong._

I suppose I should be grateful that I do have a higher authority so that someday if we get back home I can look people in the eye...more than likely my father...and say “Yes, I have paid for my crimes.” Do you ever worry about what my father might think of you? Do you imagine yourself standing before him and him saying the words “Katherine Janeway you are hereby demoted….or getting kicked out Starfleet for stranding us here? I don’t know what he would say to you...more than likely he would find a way to blame this whole thing on me.

That was a joke by the way. 

_Stop it. Stop making me think the unthinkable. The thing I never allowed myself to consider. It would have been like letting my own father down. I don't know what he thinks of  what I did._

-Turbulence.  The Doctor was no help. Does he even remember when he was confined to sick bay? You would think he would be a bit more sympathetic. He mentioned that maybe you will give Ensign Cullen the conn. That might be a good idea, for the both of us. 

  
-Harry’s visit. We ended up arguing over the letter to my dad. It won’t make a difference just like this won’t make a difference. You’re never going to read this so why bother and even if you did, would it matter?

-Did I make a difference? Any at all? Was all of this for nothing? Did I make a huge mistake?  Did I make things worse? Are the Moenans going to be ok or are they just going to go on and pretend nothing is wrong?  When I decided to get involved I didn't think about this part of it. The second guessing. The not knowing. I just didn't have time to think things through. I hope they'll be alright. You should have warned me that this would happen. It happens to you, doesn't it? Then I went and did what I did and brought it all back to you.

_At the time, you talked about your convictions but I didn't believe you. I thought it was a rash ill-considered opinion  and your actions done for frivolous reasons and I took it personally. The Moneans really affected you, down to the core. I didn't realize that at the time. It was as real to you as the Ocampans were to me. Yes, the nightmares and the questions do come in the night when no one is around. When it is time for my shift to begin I push them away. I have to.  If I had known I couldn't help you deal with it because I hadn't dealt with it myself._

  
-These long long days of nothing. My own personal void. There are some things I have to confront. Yes, I was rash. Yes, I disobeyed orders but I could not stand there and do NOTHING.  It's...not who I am. I know. That's a weak defense.

  
-I sometimes wonder about the Ocampa. We all do.  It’s been five years. Their stored power would have run out by now. Will they make it on their own? Have they disappeared, did they die of deprivation...been assimilated by the Borg? Was your...was OUR sacrifice worth it?  Will we ever find out one way or the other? The Moneans and the Ocampa, with us forever. When you laid out that punishment for me was that an attempt to punish yourself? Were you trying to alleviate your guilt by proxy? Were you so eager to stick me in here by myself a sub-conscience thing because YOU feel so alone?  Is this what you think YOU deserve?  

 _Tom. No...no. That wasn't what I was doing. Or was it? I remember the five-year mark. I told no one. Ever year on the anniversary of the day we left them I think about it.  If anything has happened to them then our sacrifice means nothing._   _Our being here has to have a purpose. It's important to me. Maybe...if they are no longer there I do deserve punishment. Exile. Anger...have the book thrown at me._

_The same way I threw it at you. Maybe you were right. Maybe your punishment was less about you and more about me._

\- Forget everything I asked about why you didn't punish everyone else this hard. I don't care. It doesn't matter now.  Just please don't  do this to anyone else ever again. Please. I would hate for someone else to have to endure this. Throw them in the brig for a while. Demote them. Put them in charge of the waste extraction protocols...anything.   I'm starting to ramble here. I'm losing myself. Maybe it would have been better if you had shot me down.

_During those thirty days, I went about my business convinced that I was right. I went to meetings, read reports...issued orders. Even though I was angry I was conscience of the fact that you weren't there. I tried not to think about you never being there again, lost over the oceans of the Monean world by my orders. I tried not think about the reactions of the crew. I was in denial, refusing to face what was right in front of me. When I sent you into the brig for thirty days I sent myself into exile as well but I had to pretend I didn't notice. It is how I cope Tom. It's the only way I can cope. I buried everything so deep.._

-Just like I said to my dad, I don’t know what went wrong between us but he’s far away and you are here. If things went wrong, it was my fault. I’ll do what I can to fix this. I’ll do my best not to disobey orders again, not even the one I consider the most outrageous. I won’t steal the Flyer again even though a little bit of me considers it as mine. When it comes to a sitting back and watching a world destroy itself, to be honest, I don’t know what I will do. Maybe it would be best to just leave me out of those kind of decisions. If you hadn’t stranded us here, I don’t know what would have happened to me in the Alpha Quadrant. Life has been hard and downright dangerous  but things are better for me here and that's because of you Captain. I don't know how the rest of crew feels but I'm glad you made the decision you did.   Maybe I will just hold onto hope that things will be better for the Moneans because of what I did.  Maybe things are better for the Ocampans too.

_You always find a way to come back around, don't you? See the good?  I missed your lighthearted attitude on the bridge, the way you could break up a tense situation with just a few words._

_I don't know if the reasons I've come up with in my head for your actions are the real reasons or not. I don't know if you looked at me and saw yourself  but that's what I've chosen to believe. It might be pure fantasy on my part but one thing I do know... I know it's been hard for you Captain. If it's anything like my experience It's been hell. I've decided that when I get out of here I won't mention it again. I'm sorry you were put in that position and I'm sorry if I reminded you of something that you have tried so hard to suppress. 

_I was fully expecting you to come out of that brig angry. I was ready to confront it, to have long weeks of a surly attitude, of forced civility. I saw what you were like when you came out of that rehab colony.  You were going to  feed into the bitterness of others but you settled right back into your job without a word. I was amazed by that. I thought it odd that Chakotay and Tuvok suddenly relaxed when you were released after being so vigilant beforehand. We never spoke of it among ourselves except one time. Chakotay said you were readjusting well and I acknowledged it.  It was because they read this and they agreed with your conclusions. I was so harsh with you because you reminded me of myself. You were wrong, you deserved punishment but what I was doing was aiming my own internal anger I felt toward myself in your direction... and that you did not deserve._

_I don't deny it now._

\- Someday you might be called into question for your actions here and I hope they go easy on you...but you did what you did because that's who you are.  I did what I did because...that’s who I am. Should we be punished for just being…who we are?

_The Doctor is waiting in sickbay. Waiting for my verdict. I haven't the slightest idea what I will say to him but reading this has tempered my anger.  You have made me consider the unthinkable and do something I haven't done for a long long time. Look hard at myself and consider everything I have done and who I am._

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Hello, Doc. What do you need?” Tom asked. He was in an unusually good mood. The fact that his wife was back safely on Voyager had a lot to do with it.

“Mr. Paris. I regret to have to inform you that you will be taking on added duties. Because of my recent actions, I have been confined to sick bay for the next two weeks. I'm afraid you will be responsible for any medical needs outside of here and on away missions. ” The Doctor was pacing back and forth between the biobeds.

“I see,” Tom said. “Two weeks. Well, that shouldn’t be too much trouble. Seven tells us we are entering a quiet sector of space. My mind starts to wander when there’s nothing going out on there when I’m at the helm.”

The Doctor stopped in mid stride. “I must say that is a most magnanimous attitude considering how I endangered your wife,” he said.

“You didn’t endanger B’Elanna. You were trying to help the other holograms. It’s not your fault their leader turned out to be a megalomaniac. Besides, B’Elanna told me everything that happened. She also told me she talked things over with you.”

“Yes. Everyone is being more understanding than I deserve. I even had to talk the Captain into punishing me.”

“Really? That’s...interesting.” Tom’s head shot back slightly and he tilted his head.

“I know what you’re thinking. That my punishment should be more severe. I should probably have some subroutines deleted, be demoted from Command EMH. I should spend a month in the brig, or the holographic equivalent of a brig, just like you did….”

“I am not thinking anything of the sort. Two weeks stuck in sick bay for you is enough.”

"I was awfully callous and flippant to you during that time. Now I suppose you can repay the favor."

"Doc, don't worry about it. I understand why you did what you did."

The Doctor resumed his pacing.

“You couldn’t stand back and do nothing," Tom continued. "That’s not your nature. You had to help the other holograms. You did what you did...because you are who you are. Take it from me, sometimes being who you are can hurt."

“That’s odd,” The Doctor said. He turned around to stare at Tom. “The Captain said almost the exact same thing. She seemed a little sad when she said it.”

“Said what?”

“She asked if we should we be punished for being who we are.”

“That is odd,” Tom said. He looked past the Doctor. A long forgotten memory tried to surface but was interrupted. His combadge chirped.

“Lieutenant Paris to my Ready Room.”

“Yes Captain,” he said. He smiled at the Doctor. “Gotta go.”

He found her standing by the portals staring out at the stars. She was holding a padd.

“Captain,’ He said. Turning to him she automatically smiled but there was no joy in her eyes. She did appear sad. He recalled the Doctor’s words. _‘I had to talk her into punishing me.’_ A sudden memory of two years ago flashed before his eyes but he pushed it away.

“Did you talk to the Doctor?” she asked. “I hate to take you away from the helm but…”

“It’s not a problem,” he said. She returned to staring at the stars. The ship and crew had been put through a strange ordeal and she had every right to be upset, especially with the Doctor. The thing was she usually went straight back into command mode right away. If she had doubts or second thoughts she usually saved them for Chakotay.

“Captain, is everything alright?”

“I was so angry at him. Ready to play judge and jury but Chakotay and Tuvok managed to reign me in.” He took a moment to allow himself to be puzzled by her revelation. _Why is she telling me this?_

“Do you mind me asking exactly how they did that?” he asked.

“That’s why I asked you to come here,” she said. "I feel I owe you an explanation. Two years ago I made you suffer through an unnecessary stringent punishment. I am not going to be so harsh on the Doctor. You should know why."

Now the memory would not be pushed down. He was here in this room, Captain Janeway standing in front of him, angry instead of sad.

"You don't need to explain your decision to me, Captain," he said.

The sad smile returned. She handed the padd to him. Taking it from her he glanced down at it and was shocked to see his own words displayed there. He sucked in his breath at the shock of his little-remembered ramblings came back to him. No wonder the Doctor’s words sounded so familiar.

“Captain. I’m sorry. I thought I had deleted this. I…”

“We should apologize to you Tom, although Tuvok and Chakotay had valid reasons for reading it at the time and for keeping it. I’ll let them explain that for themselves. Suffice it to say they weren’t deliberately prying into your personal business.”

“Captain you have to realize I wasn’t exactly myself when I wrote this. I hope…”

“Tom, I wasn’t exactly myself when I issued that punishment either.” She waved a hand indicating that he should take a seat. He did so and she sat down beside him.

“You were right Tom.” she said.” Everything you wondered about me. Absolutely right. I saw in you and your rash decision a reflection of myself. Was I trying to punish myself? I don’t know. I’m not a counselor. All I know is I when the Doctor wanted to go to the aid of the holograms…”

“It came back.”

“Yes. And I was prepared to do it all over again, that is until Tuvok and Chakotay brought me this. In answer to your questions, yes, I do think about the Ocampa, often. The times Q has popped in and out of our lives I have thought of asking him about them or even taking me there to see for myself but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. If I found out something had happened to them I would never forgive myself. I would hate to find out our being here was all in vain. I know you think about the Moneans even though you have given the impression that you’ve moved on. I have never questioned your motivations for that Tom.”

“Just my methods.” He stared down at the padd wincing slightly at his disconnected thoughts. “I took my punishment but I never really apologized for everything Captain. I am sorry. My motivation was pure and I don’t apologize for that...but everything else... It was wrong and I didn’t think it through. I’m sorry I let you down.”

“A commanding officer should never apologize but I’m going to break that rule. I’m sorry I was so harsh Tom. An experience like that should have broken you but you... you came back on duty and didn’t say a word to me about it. No bad attitude, no complaints and if anyone else had just reason for doing so it would have been you. You could have easily spread discontent among the crew, persuaded B'Elanna and Harry to join you. They would have just taken on your anger and run with it. But you didn't. None of that happened because you were able to cut right through everything to see what was underneath it all. I'm grateful that you left this record, even though you didn't intend to."

"I really don't deserve any gratitude Captain. I was rough on you."

"You asked legitimate questions I couldn't answer then. I can now. Things are a lot clearer to me. "

"I'm glad my time alone could do someone else some good...and it's good to get answers... even if it is a few years too late."

"Better late than never. You saved the Doctor from spending a month in the holodeck...with the Kazon. Or the Tac Tac...or a colony of Talaxians. I hadn't made up my mind.”

Tom laughed. “He would have loved that. He owes me big time. Just wait until I…”

“Tom.” The Captain said gently shaking her head.

“Yes ma’am,” He said sufficiently chastened. She smiled but this time, the sadness was gone.

“I suppose your letter was sent to your father when we made contact?” she asked.

“Yes. I can only imagine what his reaction was. He's never mentioned it. I hope the fact that you have since reinstated my rank might have canceled everything out.”

“He was probably so happy to hear from you that he wouldn’t have cared if you had been busted down to crewman. I’ve often wondered what he thought about my decision. What went through his mind when he first read about it in my reports." She shifted her position. " I can hardly bear to think about but in a way, it's given me a little insight into your life, Tom. I understand you a lot better."

The two sat in silence for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts.

“I hope you don’t mind if I keep this?” She asked.

“You’re the Captain and it is addressed to you," Tom said handing it back to her.

“You should get back to sick bay. Keep the Doctor company.”

“Yes Ma’am,” He said smiling. He got up to go but she stopped him.

"Tom, thank you."

"Thank you, Captain. I'm glad you decided to take Chakotay and Tuvok's advice. They know what they're doing." 

She smiled in answer as he turned and disappeared behind the sliding door. She looked down at the padd again and back to the stars.

Crossing the room to her desk she sat there for a long time contemplating her decisions over the last seven years. She didn't know when she would get an answer but she had to ask the question.

“Computer. Begin letter… Admiral Owen Paris, Starfleet Command….”


End file.
